What it Means to You
by Amme Moto
Summary: Carth has to make a choice. He can love the life that Revan lived or the life that the Council created for her. And with his decision rides Connan's very life. XMas story.


Ok, let me explain this.

Part of this is going to be a version from the end of Just Like Me, but I'm not going to give much away! For those of you who haven't read that story (go read it!) I'll explain it to you. "Connan Frai" is Revan, and "Jishin" is the created mind that the Jedi Council formed. They share a body. Two minds, one body.

This DID have two parts, but the next part I decided to make into a full blown one shot of its own.

Belated Merry Christmas, everyone!

**What It Means To You**

Connan floated inside the kolto tank droopily, only supported by the tubes and strings attached to keep her alive while the kolto did its healing work. Her long, brown hair bobbed up and down constantly in the thick liquid, unable to find a suitable spot to stay. Her arms dangled in place lazily. Her eyes were closed, to make her look like she was sleeping.

Carth stared at the woman, sitting down in his chair and running his hands through his combed back hair.

"Acknowledgement: Sir, the Master shall be fine. Request: Please, get some rest." HK-47 strode into the room swiftly and stood in front of the tank protectively. "Assurance: The little droid and I shall guard her with our very life-support systems."

Carth chuckled breathily. "Why do you care if I get rest?" He asked the red droid, standing anyway.

"Answer: I do not, sir. But the Master would. Master would not want her—_boyfriend—_to be sick because he was worrying over her safety." HK stood straighter and placed his blaster in both of his hands. "Addendum: Besides, sir, I am getting a familiar signal from someone telling you that there's someone waiting for you in your quarters. What a chance to get out and sleep once they leave!"

Carth raised his eyebrows. Obviously a lie.

"Continued Persuasion: Further, you are still wearing the clothes from when you found the Master on the Star Forge. How distasteful. Suggestion: Change clothes, sir. And hand those clothes to the little droid to clean the massive amounts of blood off."

T3 beeped in his disagreement, receiving a slap on the head from HK.

Carth looked over his clothes. What used to be his grey armor and black boots were now his red-stained, rusty accessories.

All of it was Connan's blood.

"Alright, fine. But you call me the moment she wakes up." Carth growled softly, making his point across. "'The Master' may not want you to, but if you don't I will personally take pleasure in taking out assassin skills and putting in a good temperament."

HK-47 squealed meekly and nodded his understanding. "Acknowledgement: Yes, sir. It will be done."

Carth strode out of the room briskly, feeling exhaustion catch up with him and nearly knock him over. He made it into his room and locked the door behind him.

It was an ordinary room; four walls covered with nothing but dust, a table with his few belongings straddled across it, and a bed that hadn't been touched since he arrived on the ship.

A note lay on Carth's table, which he immediately picked up. He skimmed it.

_She will help you._

That's all it said? "She will help you"? _That's not very informative,_ Carth thought. He crumpled up the note and cast it aside.

Carth removed his armor lazily, his mind on other things. The horrors what he observed on the Star Forge still haunted him. The thought of Connan's brown hair turned red from her own blood, her beautiful grass-green eyes turned blood-shot, her lovely face changed pale and scarlet from blood loss made him sick.

Shutting his eyes dejectedly, he plunged onto the bed and was asleep before he hit the pillow.

-----

He wasn't sure where he was, or what he was doing. Everything around him was black. Even the floor he was standing on was black. Carth Onasi didn't even know if he was standing or not. He looked around. Everything was black. He couldn't even see his hand.

Not that he wanted to; there was still blood on it. The blood stuck his fingers together, disgusting the soldier as he rubbed them together. He cringed, wishing he could see.

"_You don't like Dark?"_

The voice made Carth jerk around. He still couldn't see anything at all. The small child's voice sounded so familiar to him, it almost wasn't real. He waited for it to speak again.

"_Do I frighten you?"_

The child's voice now became sad, filled with a kind of sorrow that would make even Zaalbar weep.

"Where are you?" Carth called, surprised at the own fear in his voice. "Show yourself!"

"_I shall."_

A child appeared in front of him. The girl no more than six years of age stood with her hands behind her back and her green eyes boring into Carth. Her long brown hair was in a high ponytail and braided several times, so strands of hair would fly everywhere when she walked, fought, or moved at all.

She looked almost exactly like Connan.

"Connan?" Carth asked, sighing out of relief. The girl let out her own breath heavily, staring at the floor and floating over to him.

"_That is one of my names. You may call me Connan, Revan, or Jishin, for I have the memories of both." _The girl stated. Carth cocked an eyebrow slightly.

"Jishin?" He asked. "I've heard that name before."

"_Hmmm, yes. When Connan or Revan made a mistake in her faulting, she would blame Jishin." _The child sat in the air, bobbing up and down in front of Carth. She laid an elbow onto her knee and rested her face in her hands. _"Or when Connan or Revan was talking to herself. A lot of the times she would refer to Jishin."_

"But who _is _Jishin?" Carth asked once more.

"_Jishin and Connan or Revan are the same thing. They are one mind with two souls." _The child recited. Carth blanched.

"I don't follow."

"_Think of it like this. Connan or Revan became Sith, Connan or Revan got their memory erased, Jishin was created."_

"So… how are there two of them?" Carth asked once more, now more than intrigued.

"_Ah. Connan or Revan's soul decided not to give up easily. She fought her way up to the top of their mind and took over Jishin's life, becoming Jishin in all aspects except in the sole fact that they are different minds. They have the same memories, the same experiences, and the same pains. Yet they are different."_

"So which one do I love?"

The child hesitated slightly, frowning. She sputtered in frustration. Then finally, she stood up and floated to the other side of Carth.

"_Love is… the wrong question to ask." _She simply stated.

Carth stopped himself before asking his next question. Something caught his attention.

"Why do you say Connan or Revan? Can you not stick with one name and then I will just inwardly know you are talking about both?" He asked, crossing his arms. The child leaped up into the air excitedly.

"_That is the right question!" _She clapped wildly. _"That is the right question!" _She repeated, giggling. _"The reason I say both names is because you cannot decide which is which!" _She pointed squarely at Carth, her other hand resting on her hip.

"Excuse me?" Carth jabbed his hand into his chest. "What did you mean by that?"

"_I am sorry if I cannot seem very clear to you, I am only six years into my life." _The child started, her voice lowering. The tone changed again to the excited one instantly, like she had never changed in the first place. _"When you found who Connan or Revan was, you did not trust her anymore. You wanted to—as Connan or Revan put it—'take a blaster to her head.' But you came back to her ever-so-hesitantly, fearing Connan or Revan's Dark. Therefore you must decide if you will take Connan or Revan totally into your heart—Dark and all—or cast her out. You cannot live forever in fear and love. It is not healthy. So until you decide what to do, I shall continue to say Connan or Revan."_

"That seems… clear enough, I guess." Carth shrugged, a little miffed at the child's correctness. "But what should I call you?"

"_I shall remain nameless until you give me a name. Either you want me to be Jishin, the life led on the planet Sajor, who lived a life full of technology and hate for the Jedi, or I can be Connan or Revan, who lived with the Jedi and learned to embrace their teachings at the hands of a wonderful master."_

"Now that was a little confusing." Carth shrugged at the child. The child shrugged back.

"_That I cannot help."_

They sat in silence for the longest time, waiting for the other to speak. The child from time-to-time would float to the other side of Carth and flip around in the air, while Carth stayed in one place, pondering what the child had told him.

How could he fear Connan? So what if she was once Revan, Dark Lord of the Sith? Carth had forgiven her, and loved her deeply. But was there really still fear there? Was Carth really scared of Connan turning back into Revan and taking over the Republic?

This brought another question into Carth's mind.

"Where is Connan now?" He asked, startling the child slightly. She squealed and flipped over onto her head. The blackness caught her and bobbed her up and down. "Sorry,"

"_Connan or Revan is with my master. She is being re-taught how to heal herself of wounds which the Force cannot heal very easily." _The child replied, not speaking of the apology.

"So she will be alright?" Carth almost leapt out of his clothes. The child burst out laughing.

"_Alright? Alright, you ask? Carth, Connan or Revan would not let my master help her until I got to you to tell you she would be okay." _The child smiled.

Carth's heart melted into two.

"So that's why you're here? To make sure I'm alright?" The child nodded. "Then what were you doing before you came here?"

"_I was practicing Force Sight with the master in my time before I was called here to console you." _The child stated. _"Or, if you prefer, I was asleep in my bed on Sajor."_

"I would prefer it if you just stuck with one life. This is getting too confusing." Carth shook his head.

"_You cannot ask me that until you make your decision on whom you love more. The life which was created of the life which was lived." _The child winked at Carth, aggravating him more.

"I choose Connan!" Carth shouted, throwing his hands into the air. "I can't take all of this anymore! I want Connan to live, and I love _her_! I don't care if she's Revan, and I don't care if she has another mind inside of herself!" He shouted in a harsh voice, forgetting he was yelling at a six year old.

The child blanched, her eyes widening. Her muscles tensed immensely and her hands shook. Carth stopped himself from further harm.

"I—look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to explode like that. It's just that you were prodding me about 'Connan or Revan' all the time and the Jishin remarks, I over-stepped a line. I shouldn't have done that." He held his hand to the girl. She hesitantly took it and embraced him.

"_No need to apologize,"_ The girl said. _"You did what I wanted you to. Connan would be so happy to see you now."_

Carth stared at the girl.

"You said Connan." He restated. "You said Connan!"

"_Yes, I did. Your heart chose who to trust." _The child said. _"I am now Connan Frai."_

-----

Carth woke up to the bright morning sun of the Unknown Planet shining into his room's window. He held a hand up to his eyes to block out the light. He moaned.

"What happened?" He asked himself. He did not expect the answer.

"_You woke up."_

Carth jumped to the back of his bed, grabbing his blaster from the bed-side table. The child Connan was floating in front of him, a mere transparency in the air.

"_I did not mean to frighten you." _She said sympathetically.

"I know, but you did." Carth got up and stretched. "It's morning already?" He asked.

"_It is."_

Carth turned to the little Connan and stared at her.

"So, answer me this:" He started. "What happens to you when you go back to your own time? You can't remember all this; everything would turn out differently for everyone."

"_You're right," _Little Connan winked at him, smiling. _"When I get back to my time, my memory shall be erased of this happening. I won't remember a thing."_

Carth nodded, pursing his lips in understanding. He turned around and murmured, "It's a nice day out, today."

All he received from the little Connan was a fit of giggles. He couldn't help but grin at the six-year old. "What's so funny?" He asked.

"_Do you know what day today is?" _The little Connan asked through the giggles.

"Today is December twenty-fifth. What does that have to do with anything?" Carth asked, shoving things off of the table and sitting on its top.

"_Today's Christmas!" _Little Connan squealed. Carth cocked an eyebrow. Before he could ask the question, Little Connan continued. _"My master believes in a well-rounded wit of culture. Therefore, we celebrate old holidays. Today is what some of the early worlds called 'Christmas'._

"_Christmas is the time of year where people showed their kindness to each other by giving each other gifts." _Little Connan finished, beaming. She floated up to Carth's ear and whispered, _"I've got something for you."_

"Really, now?" Carth cocked and eyebrow. "What is it?"

"_Connan. Merry Christmas, now."_

The girl disappeared. She left Carth sitting there in his undershirt and his pants, shocked. He gasped and his eyes widened as she whispered the name into his ear ever-so-softly.

Seconds later, the comm. link beside Carth's bed began vibrating. He picked it up and turned it on.

"**Surprised acknowledgement: Sir! The master is awakening!" **HK-47's voice was barely heard; Carth knew what he was going to say. He turned off the comm. link and sighed.

"Merry Christmas, indeed." He whispered before dashing out of the room and towards the medbay.

Connan lay on the floor of the med bay, soaked in the icky, thick, sticky kolto. She coughed as she tried to hoist herself up onto her knees. Carth dove for her, pulling her arms around his neck to support her.

"I'm here, it's okay. I'm here." He whispered. Connan readjusted her arms to better brace herself and coughed, holding her head down and not looking at Carth.

"Carth." She breathed, almost desperately. "Carth."

"Just breathe. Relax, you're okay. Just focus on your breathing." He ordered. "You're okay." He sighed.

"Carth." She said again. "Carth."

"What is it?" Carth pulled her away from him and held up her chin, forcing her to look him in the eyes.

"M-Merry Christmas."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE END!

I want to explain to you all that I am Christian, so no confusion about that there.

I also would like to point out that the real version of the story won't go word-for-word like that, just because it isn't Christmas centered. Oh well.

Belated Merry Christmas (I made this on Christmas Eve, but I got lazy!)


End file.
